Have You Tried…?" - The Battle Cry of Unhelpful Helpfulness

Ah, the words “Have you tried…?”—a phrase uttered with the best intentions, but oh, how they can send chills down the spine of anyone with a disability. Don’t get me wrong: suggestions are lovely when asked for. But there’s something about the unsolicited, vaguely condescending tone of “Have you tried…?” that can turn even the most patient person into an internal eye-rolling champion

 

As someone who uses a mobility scooter (and let’s just pause to appreciate the sheer coolness of being part-scooter-rider, part-road-warrior), I’ve lost track of how many well-meaning people have stopped me to share their groundbreaking thoughts. From “Have you tried yoga?” to “Have you tried essential oils?”—the suggestions run the gamut from mildly unhelpful to outright absurd.
Let’s unpack why this phrase often misses the mark.

 

 The Assumption That We Haven’t Thought of It Before

Here’s the thing: people with disabilities are experts in their own lives. We’ve done the research. We’ve Googled. We’ve probably joined forums, attended workshops, and read more articles than anyone should have to about adaptive tools and treatments. So when someone comes along with their “aha!” moment—suggesting the very thing we’ve already tried ten times—it’s less helpful and more…well, patronizing.

 

The One-Size-Fits-All Approach

Disabilities are as unique as fingerprints. What works for one person might be completely useless—or even harmful—to another. Yet the “Have you tried…?” crowd loves to peddle one-size-fits-all solutions. “Oh, my cousin’s friend’s uncle had the same issue, and he cured it with kale smoothies!” Fantastic for him. Meanwhile, I’m just trying to navigate the nearest dropped pavement without reenacting a scene from Mad Max.

 

 The Implied Blame

Here’s the sneaky part: “Have you tried…?” can often carry an unintended (but very real) undertone of blame. It’s as if the person is saying, “If only you’d tried harder or been smarter, you wouldn’t have this issue.” It puts the responsibility on the disabled person to “fix” themselves, as though they haven’t already poured time, energy, and resources into finding solutions.

 

We’re Not Walking Pinterest Boards

Some days, I don’t want to be inspirational. I don’t want to be someone’s teachable moment or problem to solve. I just want to live my life—preferably without strangers interrupting my grocery run to suggest I try Tai Chi for my scooter struggles. 

How to Be Genuinely Helpful

So, what’s the alternative? Instead of the dreaded “Have you tried…?”, how about asking, “Is there anything you’d like help with?” Or simply listening if someone wants to vent. It’s amazing how empowering it can be to have our experiences acknowledged without a barrage of unsolicited advice.
And if you really must offer a suggestion, here’s a pro tip: ask first. “Would you like me to share something that helped a friend in a similar situation?” That way, the person has the option to say no

************

To my fellow disabled folk: keep rolling your eyes (internally or dramatically) when needed, and know that you’re not alone in this struggle. To the well-meaning “Have you tried…?” enthusiasts of the world: we know you mean well, but sometimes the best way to help is to simply listen, nod, and resist the urge to recommend kale.